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[llywela]

Just had a very long phone call with Mum. Last night she took Small to a party at Barnardos, who were celebrating 15 years of the project that Small originally came from - they have a Mother&Baby unit for teenage mothers leaving the care system. Small lived in those flats for the first six months of her life, and Barnardos were involved right up till the adoption, and have remained in touch since. We had especial contact with them again following the news of Joanne's death last year, of course.

So, Small was invited to this party, and after a lot of umming and ahhing decided she might like to go. So Mum took her, and they saw some of the other children who've come through the project, although most of the ones that went we see regularly anyway - Tyra, Jerrell, Kaylem, Jessica, Steffen, Declan... All the success stories, really, and half of them were in the same junior school as Small.

Declan's father was the guy who introduced Small's mother to heroin, but that's another story entirely.

Later in the evening, Mum was talking to Sally, the project leader, when Small suddenly came over and asked if she was in charge. Sally said yes, she's the project leader. So Small asked why she isn't allowed to see her little sisters. Right out of a clear blue sky like that! Sally and Mum kind of looked at each other, like, how do we field that one?! and Sally explained that the girls haven't had the same kind of life that Small has had, they've lived in lots of different houses, and Barnardos aren't involved with them, so it's a bit complicated.

Next question? 'If Joanne wasn't dead, would you have invited her to this party?' Answer: only if it was okay with Small and Mum, who would have been asked first. Fair enough. So then Small asked what Joanne would have done if she'd come and seen Small at this party.

It's been a year now since we learned of Joanne's death, and Small has barely mentioned her name, has just barely reached the point where she can talk about her at all. But she thinks about stuff like this so much, without telling anyone, and then just hits you with it right out of left field.

Mum said that if Joanne had seen Small she'd have given her a big smile and hug, which she totally would have, and Sally added that she had a lovely big smile, which she did. Not satisfied, Small said 'would she have tried to take me away?'

Damn. She still remembers that. She was 12 months old when Joanne snatched her that time, and it was only for two weeks, but she's never, ever forgotten that she was taken. The details might have faded, but the knowledge that she was taken is always there, at the back of her mind - her nightmares always involve someone or something taking her away from her home and family. Kids can be so badly damaged at such a young age.

So Sally explained that Joanne had chosen our family for Small, and that was lucky, because it doesn't always work out like that. That she wanted Small to live with us and be part of our family, so no, she wouldn't have tried to take her. It's going to be such a long time before she's old enough to really understand all the details and nuances. Joanne did take her that one time, but she regretted it almost at once - she admitted later that she'd wanted to bring her straight back, but the violent pimp boyfriend who wasn't even the baby's father wouldn't let her (Child Benefit such a handy source of income, see - this is the same guy I mentioned earlier, the one who got her onto heroin). She had no maternal bond with the baby at all, unfortunately, and that was half the trouble throughout. It took three years for the adoption to go through because she kept moving and wouldn't sign the papers, but she was the one who instigated it in the first place, asked straight out: 'please will you adopt her?' She had cold feet, didn't want to be the one to sign her daughter away, and was jealous that Small was going to have the stable home and family she'd never had herself. But she did want it for her, said so many times, and that's important. She was like a kid herself in so many ways, desperate for someone to love and look after her, at the same time as rejecting all offers of help. She made a hell of a lot of bad choices, but the way her life worked out was a tragedy, really.

So, yeah. Unexpectedly tricky situation there, really.

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[llywela13.livejournal.com]

No psychologist - half the point of adopting her was to get her out of the system that failed her mother so badly. We talk to her as honestly as we can whenever she brings anything up, and she gets a lot of support from the school. And Barnardos are always available to offer advice - they really are lovely. :)