(no subject)

[llywela]

Just had a very long phone call with Mum. Last night she took Small to a party at Barnardos, who were celebrating 15 years of the project that Small originally came from - they have a Mother&Baby unit for teenage mothers leaving the care system. Small lived in those flats for the first six months of her life, and Barnardos were involved right up till the adoption, and have remained in touch since. We had especial contact with them again following the news of Joanne's death last year, of course.

So, Small was invited to this party, and after a lot of umming and ahhing decided she might like to go. So Mum took her, and they saw some of the other children who've come through the project, although most of the ones that went we see regularly anyway - Tyra, Jerrell, Kaylem, Jessica, Steffen, Declan... All the success stories, really, and half of them were in the same junior school as Small.

Declan's father was the guy who introduced Small's mother to heroin, but that's another story entirely.

Later in the evening, Mum was talking to Sally, the project leader, when Small suddenly came over and asked if she was in charge. Sally said yes, she's the project leader. So Small asked why she isn't allowed to see her little sisters. Right out of a clear blue sky like that! Sally and Mum kind of looked at each other, like, how do we field that one?! and Sally explained that the girls haven't had the same kind of life that Small has had, they've lived in lots of different houses, and Barnardos aren't involved with them, so it's a bit complicated.

Next question? 'If Joanne wasn't dead, would you have invited her to this party?' Answer: only if it was okay with Small and Mum, who would have been asked first. Fair enough. So then Small asked what Joanne would have done if she'd come and seen Small at this party.

It's been a year now since we learned of Joanne's death, and Small has barely mentioned her name, has just barely reached the point where she can talk about her at all. But she thinks about stuff like this so much, without telling anyone, and then just hits you with it right out of left field.

Mum said that if Joanne had seen Small she'd have given her a big smile and hug, which she totally would have, and Sally added that she had a lovely big smile, which she did. Not satisfied, Small said 'would she have tried to take me away?'

Damn. She still remembers that. She was 12 months old when Joanne snatched her that time, and it was only for two weeks, but she's never, ever forgotten that she was taken. The details might have faded, but the knowledge that she was taken is always there, at the back of her mind - her nightmares always involve someone or something taking her away from her home and family. Kids can be so badly damaged at such a young age.

So Sally explained that Joanne had chosen our family for Small, and that was lucky, because it doesn't always work out like that. That she wanted Small to live with us and be part of our family, so no, she wouldn't have tried to take her. It's going to be such a long time before she's old enough to really understand all the details and nuances. Joanne did take her that one time, but she regretted it almost at once - she admitted later that she'd wanted to bring her straight back, but the violent pimp boyfriend who wasn't even the baby's father wouldn't let her (Child Benefit such a handy source of income, see - this is the same guy I mentioned earlier, the one who got her onto heroin). She had no maternal bond with the baby at all, unfortunately, and that was half the trouble throughout. It took three years for the adoption to go through because she kept moving and wouldn't sign the papers, but she was the one who instigated it in the first place, asked straight out: 'please will you adopt her?' She had cold feet, didn't want to be the one to sign her daughter away, and was jealous that Small was going to have the stable home and family she'd never had herself. But she did want it for her, said so many times, and that's important. She was like a kid herself in so many ways, desperate for someone to love and look after her, at the same time as rejecting all offers of help. She made a hell of a lot of bad choices, but the way her life worked out was a tragedy, really.

So, yeah. Unexpectedly tricky situation there, really.

Comments

[winniewoo.livejournal.com]

Bless your little sister, no kid should ever have to go what she's been through. At least she got her happy ending in coming to you though but it still sucks *cwtches*

[llywela13.livejournal.com]

Thank you, honey.

*cwtches back*

[jamjar84.livejournal.com]

I know that it's not exactly the same situation, but I know how Chelsea must feel, as I have spent much of my life sitting and brooding over the ins and outs of why I am here. My mother used to leave me with my grandparents for great lengths of time, and then come and take me back when it suited her, not for the child benefit, but I think that she only wanted a child when it suited her. I often used to feel so confused as a child and I am sure that all she was looking for were some answers, which it seems your mum and Sally dealt with brilliantly.

It's a shame that Small will never get a proper explanation from her mother, but I am sure that at the end of the day she will realise how lucky she is to be with your family, and how much better a quality of life she has had.

*hugs*

[llywela13.livejournal.com]

*hugs JA* I know how much you've struggled at times - thanks for sharing your perspective. Haven't seen you in ages, girlie. I hope life is treating you okay these days.

*huggles again*

[ne-quine.livejournal.com]

I'm surprised she can remember that far back. My earliest memories I can recall is when I was 3 and my brother being born and his Christening/first Xmas.

[llywela13.livejournal.com]

Aye, for a child with a defined learning disability, her memory can be disturbingly precise.

I doubt she remembers the actual particulars any more, mind. She did for a long time, though. She was 12/13 months old when it happened - only two weeks out of her life. But when the adoption went through, just before she turned 4, she started coming out with all these memories from those two weeks. And when we looked back, yes, they tallied with what Joanne had told us at the time. She acted out being locked in the flat, and watching her mother being beaten up. Then after each memory had been talked through she would never mention it again, having hopefully laid it to rest. But several years later while walking to school she saw a man who looked like Joanne's boyfriend, screamed and hid behind a car, and wouldn't come out again until he'd gone.

It's actually quite scary to think that she could remember that much - how awful must those two weeks have been to have left such an impression.

[ne-quine.livejournal.com]

Very scary!

Does she talk to a psychologist about it or does she just talk to you/your mum?

[llywela13.livejournal.com]

No psychologist - half the point of adopting her was to get her out of the system that failed her mother so badly. We talk to her as honestly as we can whenever she brings anything up, and she gets a lot of support from the school. And Barnardos are always available to offer advice - they really are lovely. :)

[bagpuss1966.livejournal.com]

Aww bless Small. She's obviously got a lot of stuff going on in her mind right now (she's in year 7 or 8, isn't she?) and is probably hormonal too which must have an effect. It must be so very difficult to understand but she has the support of a loving and open family, which is great.

*Cwtch* for you and for Small. :)

[llywela13.livejournal.com]

Year 7, yes - and very hormonal! She's had a hell of a lot of adjustments to make in recent months, between going up to high school and learning to deal with periods (and she's incredibly heavy for an 11-year-old - the school nurse is a bit concerned). She's a funny one, because so much goes over her head completely, but other things she takes in and mulls over and applies to her own situation in totally unexpected ways.

*cwtches back*

[bagpuss1966.livejournal.com]

Gosh, girls really do seem to start much earlier these days, don't they. My friend's daughter started in year 5, although she's a big girl (she was taller than me in year 5 and now she's in year 11 and absolutely towers over me).

11 is still so young to cope with something so big so she has my sympathy.

*MoreCwtches*

[babelmira.livejournal.com]

I always think in these cases, it's best to be honest, because kids are more thinky than we know.

Stewart was 10 when we had a similar conversation.

But yeah, awkward.

[llywela13.livejournal.com]

Yep, honesty has always been the policy - it's best that way. She's always known she was adopted. Well, had to really, because it didn't happen till she was nearly 4, and her mother was still visiting intermittently till about a year before then.

The subject comes up randomly, and we always try to be honest. Fore xample, as I mentioned in a comment above, after the adoption went through she started coming out with scarily detailed memories of those two weeks she spent back in her flat with her mother and the pimp when she was barely a year old. Or again when she was 5 and asked what a no smoking sign in the doctor's surgery meant, went away and thought about it, and then came back and said 'Mum-Joanne used to smoke, didn't she?' and started asking really searching questions about the dangers of smoking to both Joanne and herself. She's rabid about the evils of drugs, and went through a phase where she'd cheerfully tell anyone she met that she'd been adopted because her mother took drugs and was probably now dead. Prophetic in a sense, because sad to say, just a few years later, she now is. Sooner or later she's going to make the connection between the drugs and her own health problems and disabilities.

Kids process so much more than we give them credit for, from a very young age. It's really hard to shelter them for long!

[galathea-snb.livejournal.com]

Man, it's depressing to see what a child so young already has to process in her life. It's obviously weighing on her and I am amazed at the level of thoughts she put into it, without confiding in you or your parents. I really hope she'll be able to understand all the circumstances properly one day and live without grudges against her mother's decisions. :(

*hugs*

[llywela13.livejournal.com]

the level of thoughts she put into it, without confiding in you or your parents

Oh, she does! She'll take things in and think about them, sometimes for weeks and months, and then blindside you completely with a pertinent observation or conclusion much later, just when you've been lulled into a false sense of security. Like how she hadn't asked about seeing her sisters in months, but then saw Sally, made the connection, and hit her with the question.

It's just a shame that she has to deal with any of it at all.

*hugs back*

[shaw012145.livejournal.com]

::: HUGS :::

Small is so lucky to have your family.

[llywela13.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Geo.

[jayres.livejournal.com]

It is really disturbing to think how much of her very early life Small remembers. She is so lucky to have a stable, loving family that she can talk to when the memories resurface.
It must be hard for all of you to know that the bad memories persist for her.

[llywela13.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Judy. It is worrying to think how much of an impression those bad early experiences have left - the evidence does have a habit of surfacing randomly like this!

[rosely.livejournal.com]

Every single time I read more about the background of poor Small, I'm surprised again!
She's a thinker, seems really smart! :) which is good.
I'm so happy for her that Joanne did one thing right and gave her up for adoption to your family *hugs*

[llywela13.livejournal.com]

Aye, she's a funny one - she can be really canny and sensible in some ways, but in other ways lives in a world of her own!